You didn’t grow in my tummy but I wish you did.
As I sit here on your bedroom floor 25 minutes past 11 on a Saturday night stroking your head wishing you back into a peaceful sleep, a smile on my face and warm feeling in my tummy. My thoughts wander. How lucky am I! You’re the most gorgeous boy (I know I’m bias but you really are) and you call me Mummy.
Then the sudden unexpected arrival of the prickly eyes and tears form and fall surprisingly quickly. Why you might ask. Well, because I can’t believe how lucky I am to be your Mum (and when you’re sleeping you’re even more adorable than you are on a good day). I wonder, like the little boy in the book “how I met my son” by Rosalind Powell (a must read for potential adopters and adoptive parents) whether you’ll ever want to meet your birth family. Whether our bond now, which I can only see getting stronger, will ever make room for curiosity. At this moment I can’t imagine you’ll ever want anyone else but me (and your dad). That you’ll be so secure in yourself and our love for you and our family that your past won’t need exploring. But is this me wondering or wishing? Only the time will tell. But then I know deep down that the past is part of you. Part of your DNA. The reason you look like you, some of your traits. Everything that makes you you, two families entwined in one little person. Nature & nurture.
But what I do know, is that I will love you with all my heart for the rest of my life and beyond. I will support you the best way I know how and I will be in your corner fighting every battle with you. My heart breaks at the idea you may one day struggle with being adopted and may one day want hard answers about your heritage. Answers that you may not want to hear. I just hope you have your Dads attitude to life and don’t over think things like I do. Having said this, I will always always talk to you about your heritage and tell you everything I know, but only as much as your ready for and old enough to hear. All I had to do was tuck you in and kiss you good night. Instead I’m sat on your bedroom floor with tears running silently down my face. Just so overwhelmingly happy that you are mine. My baby boy. Forever. I’ve slept and the emotional moment has past. But It’s moments like these that take me by surprise. Our little chatterbox has been home for 2 years now and still I find myself getting emotional when I least expect it. A good friend, who also adopted, once told me (before we had even applied to adopt) that she would get caught off guard and suddenly be reminded that her baby was not born to her. Cue tears which you try and hide. The other day whilst going up the escalator in Tesco Cub looks up at me and says “Mummy if you and Daddy fall down that gap will I get a new Mummy and Daddy”? Wow, so I start with “we won’t fall down there” hoping that will sort that out. “yes but if you do Mummy”? “I will be your Mummy forever Cub” and then we have to get off the escalator and that was that. The time has past. Now in typical adoptive mum style I immediately think that he is thinking about the casual chats we have had about being adopted, although he isnt aware of what adoption actually means yet. I think it was just a 3 year olds brain working out what would happen if I fell down the gap! I do honestly forget I didn’t give birth to him. I know other adoptive parents feel the same way. I just hope our bond continues to grow and when he is old enough I find the right way to talk to him about his heritage which doesn’t cause him to become angry or insecure. I often hear people talking about adoption like it’s an easy way to become a family. I just thought I would be saving a child and giving us a family. What I didn’t appreciate at the time is that, yes you are making a family, but a family with complicated stories to tell and baggage that stays with you forever. Second guessing every decision. Worrying about the future. Worrying that you’ll lose your family. Worrying if every parenting decision your making is the right one or not. (I also know this is probably the same for birth parents but I feel adoptive parents have the added pressure of attachment disorders, I will talk about this another day, and past life stories to add into the mix) and other issues out of your control. Anyway I’m waffling now. Parenting isn’t easy how ever you get there. I’m just so glad we adopted and that we found our little boy. It was meant to be. He was meant to be ours right from the beginning.